Grieve

“Will I lose my dignity, will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow, from this nightmare?”

As we drove around LA entertaining the idea of a last minute road trip, we started listening to the soundtrack from Rent. With L sleeping in the backseat and Spotify playing the song Will I, tears streamed down my face…

You see, L was diagnosed with ADHD last year and along with our pediatrician, we decided that medication was not yet necessary. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in medicine, when it’s used at the right time in the right place, whether in western and eastern practices. And I, in my core, strongly believed we could do better as parents to help L so we don’t have to give an 8 year old child a controlled substance daily because he is “different”.

But we did anyway. A few days before we took the road trip, we went to the pharmacy and picked up the medicine. These white capsules with red letterings on them. Contained in its child safe bottle, looking innocent. (How we got here from last year’s decision is another story.)

I felt completely lost as this is not what I had stood for.

 

“Will I lose my dignity, will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow, from this nightmare?”

So at that moment, driving through the blurring street lights.

I grieved.

I grieved for the lost of my integrity.

And I grieved for the lost of my dignity.