AD fucking HD… A disorder I was diagnosed with last year.
If you want proof, just look at the pile of toppled over shelf of shoes, broken glasses and mumble jumbles that are still laying there in front of our front door since 8:30 this morning.
It all started with the book L’s pediatrician recommended us to read. Driven to Distraction. As I enjoyed the audio version of the book, all I could hear was “genetic”, “rebellious”, “distractions”, “hyper-focus”, “always late”…..
“Oh my god, that is ME!” I thought. “Remember that time when you said in a final interview that you are working on being on time and you didn’t get hired?”
Age 13 was the beginning of 13 years of self medication with tobacco and stimulants.
I had never fit in. I was diagnosed with depression and eating disorder; I was a danger to myself. Anti-depressants were a stable at 16 years old. No one knew what to do with me and adults kept their kids away from me.
“She is trouble.”
I did not love me.
Now I’m sitting here tears running down my face watching TED Talks on the subject. Watching others talking about similar experiences and what ADHD truly is, 28 years too late.
In a way it feels like a scab being rubbed open, full of self blame (for passing it onto my son) and resentment (for being misdiagnosed as a child).
But I know what to do! Oh yes I do.
I’m going to ADHDing the heck out of this shit and be the best mom I can be to give my son the most amazing help I can find in this god damn world.
I believe in the power of Love.