Grieve

“Will I lose my dignity, will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow, from this nightmare?”

As we drove around LA entertaining the idea of a last minute road trip, we started listening to the soundtrack from Rent. With L sleeping in the backseat and Spotify playing the song Will I, tears streamed down my face…

You see, L was diagnosed with ADHD last year and along with our pediatrician, we decided that medication was not yet necessary. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in medicine, when it’s used at the right time in the right place, whether in western and eastern practices. And I, in my core, strongly believed we could do better as parents to help L so we don’t have to give an 8 year old child a controlled substance daily because he is “different”.

But we did anyway. A few days before we took the road trip, we went to the pharmacy and picked up the medicine. These white capsules with red letterings on them. Contained in its child safe bottle, looking innocent. (How we got here from last year’s decision is another story.)

I felt completely lost as this is not what I had stood for.

 

“Will I lose my dignity, will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow, from this nightmare?”

So at that moment, driving through the blurring street lights.

I grieved.

I grieved for the lost of my integrity.

And I grieved for the lost of my dignity.

Untitled

When Light 
and
Dark become one.

When you
and 
I no longer see eye to eye.

When tomorrow 
becomes the yesterday we try to put behind. 

There's no Light to our creaking lies. 

Twilight shines on the
hopeless dream.
Moments pass I can not 
scream.

As numbness
As helpless
As everything may seem...

Home

Life of searching
I can not find my road

The life which you own
The beauty that I hold
Will end
as blood is being drawn

I could not cure my Soul

Death
is where I called Home

written 09/22/2004 @ 02:55am

1pm

AD fucking HD… A disorder I was diagnosed with last year.

If you want proof, just look at the pile of toppled over shelf of shoes, broken glasses and mumble jumbles that are still laying there in front of our front door since 8:30 this morning.

It all started with the book L’s pediatrician recommended us to read. Driven to Distraction. As I enjoyed the audio version of the book, all I could hear was “genetic”, “rebellious”, “distractions”, “hyper-focus”, “always late”…..

“Oh my god, that is ME!” I thought. “Remember that time when you said in a final interview that you are working on being on time and you didn’t get hired?”

Age 13 was the beginning of 13 years of self medication with tobacco and stimulants.

I had never fit in. I was diagnosed with depression and eating disorder; I was a danger to myself. Anti-depressants were a stable at 16 years old. No one knew what to do with me and adults kept their kids away from me.

“She is trouble.”

I did not love me.

 

Now I’m sitting here tears running down my face watching TED Talks on the subject. Watching others talking about similar experiences and what ADHD truly is, 28 years too late.

In a way it feels like a scab being rubbed open, full of self blame (for passing it onto my son) and resentment (for being misdiagnosed as a child).

But I know what to do! Oh yes I do.

I’m going to ADHDing the heck out of this shit and be the best mom I can be to give my son the most amazing help I can find in this god damn world.

I believe in the power of Love.